Right now I am sitting behind my parents watching them enjoy each other. I cannot remember seeing this growing up.Ever.
I am confused as fuck to say the least.
My mother is about to shoot light from her fingertips she’s beaming so hard and my dad keeps smiling and laughing. I don’t know what happened nor do I expect to know but my reaction has me confused.
I am less happy than I should be.
My whole life I wanted my dad to BE a better husband. As I got older, I began to resent him for all the ways he disappointed my mother, for making her pretend everything was fine when tears were in her voice. No matter what my father did my mother demanded we respected him, especially when he least deserved it from her or us. I felt her grow smaller in unexplainable ways each time.
But she has forgiven him.And she’s happy. Why can’t I?
Why do I see him and see transgression after transgression, mistake after broken promise after lie?
I know my father is the reason I shut off anyone who disappoints me even once, why I keep pushing love away… He is the reason I think forgiving someone is the same as giving permission to keep hurting you.
How do I now accept him as the man who makes my mother happy?
How do I just forgive and forget?
